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It seemed to go well, and before I knew it, we had spent a couple of hours talking at the cafe. When we were leaving, he said to me that he wasn't looking for anything more than being friends—that he was a "no rice, no spice kinda guy" when it came to intimate relationships. If anything it's more subtle, more ambiguous," he told me. No one will check me out. But I'll notice, for example, white guys checking out other white guys.

All the time. Either way, feeling invisible is the norm for me," he said.

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Because of this, Alex dissociates himself from gay communities, keeping to himself and not going out much. And I found this apprehension to be shared among others. For example, if a guy comes on to Kevin, he admits to also questioning whether it's because he is Asian or if the guy is interested in him as a person, regardless of race: "You question how much he values you, what facets of you he values, and what you're worth is based on. It's tricky trying to understand your worth as a gay Asian man, or any person of color, when the gay community can be so dominantly focused on the oh-so-desirable Adonis-bodied white man.

The way gay Asian men can be spoken to or ignored online causes some second-guessing in interactions with white men, especially when it comes to being more than friends.

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It works the other way as well, where being associated with a gay Asian is seemingly taboo. What do you think people are saying? All of this is quite intangible, and "it's hard to quantify racist experiences that you encounter in intimate relationships, and from the queer community sometimes.

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